In Which the iPhone is like Hooters

My wife was telling me about this restaurant (in Arizona or Nevada or some place where they have the free time to develop and patronize such a business) that caters to folks who have what we call ‘fetishes’, and not of the African religious variety. You are seated by a dominatrix, the bar is tended by a catholic school girl who looks about thirty, and when you order your three cheese chicken penne combo, a ‘hot nurse’ brings it out for you: You get the idea. I wonder if they have a “server menu” that they hand out with the wine list. It’s a two-for-one deal: Good eats and sexy treats. But of course, it’s not a brothel or a peep-show, it’s a ‘theme restaurant’. The leash and leather hood on the kid bussing your table are just ‘pieces of flare’. Don’t give the waitress no lines, and keep your hands to your self. And how good can the food be, really? What are the odds? Does Hooters really have great burgers? Or just surprisingly-not-bad-burgers for a restaurant that focuses its marketing dollars on the meat that doesn’t reside between two sesame seed buns?
I haven’t seen an actual iPhone, and I won’t buy one, mostly because of the fetish restaurant. Excuse me while I go into my grumpy old man routine. The more gadgets and peripherals a phone has, the more difficult it is to make it work well as a phone. Every phone now seems to have a camera and a keyboard and a mostly-fully-functional OS and internet access and an mp3 player (also makes julien fries). But the camera only takes recognizable pictures if you are two feet from the subject and the world has completely frozen in place for a second. The keyboard is too small to use (“you call that internet?”), the mp3 player’s controls are either confusing or take up too much space (sounds terrible anyway), and the fries are always soggy. Oh yeah, and it sucks as a phone. In order to keep a phone’s design user-friendly (i.e. smaller than the average desktop computer) and the cost below the luxury-market level, all the features have to suffer. The more features there are, the more each is weakened.
I’m not saying multifunction devices can’t be made well (or that some folks don’t need such devices). But it costs. Doing anything well costs. Doing several things well costs more. Our Wal-Mart complex makes us think we are owed more features for less money. But the manufacturer isn’t stupid. He has a pocket to line too. That’s why your flashy blueberry-iCamera-makemelooklikeparishilton-(ohyeah)-Phone is made of Seran-wrap and Scotch tape by a chinese foetus.

End rant, begin Wishfull thinking: I have an mp3 player that plays mp3’s: Well. I have a superb camera that takes great pictures. I can cut up some potatoes and fry them next time I desire a clogged artery. I would like a phone. Just a phone. Only a phone. A phone that actually works well every time, is comfortable and easy to use.

If I ever want a hooker who will play dress-up with me, I’ll take a trip to Amsterdam. But if I want “Moons over my Hammy”, I’m going to Denny’s.

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3 comments on “In Which the iPhone is like Hooters

  1. i laughed, i cried, i wished i had been wearing Attends. thanks babe.

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